I give 110% when it comes to my self-destructive tendencies.

Your coworkers are already upset about having to stand so close together on this lift. Please don’t make it worse by speaking.

Brother Robert asked me last night if I would write a copy of Lemmings for the Apple Macintosh after watching me play it on the Amiga. If I do that, he’d like a free copy, and then he would let me sell it if I cut him in for some of the profits. *eye roll*

Consumerism is the weaponization of the human condition.

Not checking your source code in to version control is the equivalent of using sign language in a dark room. You might know what you’ve accomplished but nobody else has a clue.

If you could describe your sex life with a traffic sign, what would it be? Mine is “Give Way To Oncoming Traffic.”

Just a reminder that the conference room needs to be booked in advance if you plan to use it for an emotional breakdown.

I’ve already accomplished my New Year’s resolution of crying at a lower volume in the bathroom at work Monday morning.

If it wasn’t for me, everything would get done around here.

Internal medicine is like an advanced form of engineering. The parts of the human body do not come with nicely formatted data sheets with appropriate pin outs neatly labeled.